*SPOILERS*
Song: Only Love Can Hurt Like This by Paloma Faith
Color: Black
Flower: A hyacinth (symbolizes sorrow and regret)
Poem: lost by Nayyirah Waheed
Mizuki Yano is a Japanese woman living in Tokyo with her husband and two young children. She is a devoted wife and mother, who on the outside, carries out her duties almost to the caliber that is expected, but on the inside is quietly and desperately drowning in anguish. While there is ample evidence that she is depressed, the biggest evidence of all being her failed spontaneous attempt at taking her own life, she is also suffering from existing in a marriage that has fallen away to nothing. Worse than losing the spark and living like roommates, she and her husband exist in a barren bubble devoid of practically any connection. We often point to things like food, water, shelter, freedom to choose and things of that nature when we talk about what we need as humans.
We take for granted the necessity of purpose, of love, and of having at least one person in the world who bears witness to our lives. The absence of these things makes for a lonely and dreadful existence. And that is what I believe Mizuki is facing here. The answer to her anguish comes in the form of Kiyoshi, the young and very successful restaurateur. With him she can slip back into an identity she shed when she became mom and wife. She once again tastes freedom, excitement and depth of feelings.
Throughout the novel it is clear that Mizuki is very in touch with her feelings. She speaks often of the overwhelming melancholy that seems to exist inside her on a constant basis. We see her anger towards her husband, and sometimes her kids. And juxtaposed with these uncomfortable and intense negative feelings are the warm and all consuming positive feelings she experiences when she and Kiyoshi begin their love affair. The giddy headiness of young love. The childlike wonder with every new personal detail learned. The adventures across the city.
What I find most interesting about Mizuki are the contradictions in her personality. In Kiyoshi she finds the ideal partner. A fantasy come to life. She is alive once again under the adoring gaze of this handsome, funny and caring younger man. And yet when faced with the opportunity to have this life that she says lights her up inside, she chooses the life that made her miserable. And while many can relate to choosing duty and staying together for the kids, the level of distress Mizuki displays regarding said life, would suggest that she’d rather not be around at all if it meant existing in this life with her husband and children.
My hypothesis is that perhaps Mizuki belongs to a group of people for whom identity is found in yearning. Perhaps for her a life where she languishes in resentment of the mundane keeps the fantasy in her heart alive. No need to contend with the less magical realities of musician life or settle into companionship with the handsome Kiyoshi, if she never allows herself those things. Her perfect life remains untouched and out of reach, and the misery she feels with her boring life honors that.
by Shell | scribbles and sketches