*SPOILERS*
Simidele is a former teenage girl (late teens) turned Mami Wata. She has long black coils and curls, dark brown skin, and a mermaid tail covered in gold and dusty pink scales. While Simidele is quite delicate and feminine in her appearance, her personality is dominated by an instinctual drive towards fearlessness, strength and power (in service of the greater good, not self-serving), which are traditionally considered to be masculine in nature. She is a natural born leader, capable of being very direct and honest.
Above all, Simi values justice and fairness. We can see this in the way she questions rules and takes action, even if it means defying authority. “Questions grow inside my head at her words. Why do we not smash the ships to pieces? Why do we not drag down those who sail them to the black parts of the sea?”
Because we encounter Simi after she experiences the trauma of being kidnapped from her homeland, dying at sea, and being reborn as a Mami Wata, it’s hard to definitively say which of her traits are a post-traumatic stress response, and which are either inborn or nurtured by the environment she grew up in.
Throughout the story we can see that she carries many of a set of reactions that can occur within people who have experienced or witnessed a traumatic event ( nightmares, intrusive memories about the horrific event, hyper-vigilance, flashbacks triggered by sounds, smells and situations related to the event, intense guilt, intense anger).
Most notable throughout the story is the way she readily and easily connects with the sensations in her body, and particularly those connected to the emotion of anger: “My chest tightens, hot rage building against my rib cage.” She wields her anger like a weapon, using it to push back against whatever is in her way, to defend those she cares about, or to keep herself safe. “I step backward, my own fingers curling. We’re both breathing hard, eyeing each other warily. The rock I keep, its serrated edge gives me comfort.”
She also uses her anger as a cover for feelings she is unwilling to face straightaway. She lashes out at Issa and Kola after the incident by the river where Kola is almost drowned and eaten by the Ninki Nanka. Despite Issa’s apologies and explanations for his choice of route, she continues to shame him and vent her frustration at him rather than name the fear and despair she experienced seeing Kola in danger, as well as the guilt for not sensing the creature’s presence sooner.
Despite that strong connection to her body, she often pushes her body past its limits, and almost insists on seeing herself as powerful enough to defy its constraints and limits through will power. ““It looks deep,” says Kola, peering over my shoulder. “Will it help?”
Startled, I pause in reaching down before nodding. He noticed, I think, feeling a warmth spread across my chest and up my neck. I thought I had hidden the pain well.”
As we get to know her better it becomes clearer that her anger and bluster and puffing herself up is in part a response to the trauma she experienced, in part a response to the real and present horrors that are unfolding, and in part a desire to disavow herself of her vulnerable feelings. When she allows herself moments to cry, to tend to some physical pain or need, or to feel affection or love, she sees these moments as indulgences. Much in the same way someone might see a few scoops of ice cream after a dinner of protein and vegetables as an indulgence.
In sharp contrast to her tough exterior, is Simidele’s ability to show compassion for others and hold herself accountable when her actions have caused harm, whether intentional or unintentional. She allows herself to soften, to show concern, and to care when others have in some way become a part of her tribe, a part of her. We see this when she gathers plants with healing properties to help Kola nurse his injuries. We see this when she sets off on a journey to seek forgiveness for breaking the decree. We see this in her turmoil when others are harmed.
Along with this more compassionate side of Simidele comes an intense responsibility for others that she shares with Kola. Throughout the story we see again and again an emphasis on putting we above I. One could presume that they share this trait because they share a cultural expectation, but nonetheless it is one of the things that seems to grow their unspoken bond.
From the snippets of memories that she is able to recall, it appears that Simi had a mostly safe and secure childhood. Her parents adored her and treated her well. They praised her beauty and encouraged her to develop various life skills. She has a foundation that would lend itself to a more confident relationship with herself and others, and yet we see a number of examples of her insecurity about being fully seen by others.
Granted many of those moments are when she is potentially exposing her Mami Wata status, which is dangerous, and so her fear feels warranted in those instances. However there are other moments in the story where she tucks away parts of herself in a way that seems incongruent with her parents taking an interest in her, and noticing and highlighting aspects of her unique personhood. This kind of nurturing should generally speaking have given her the confidence to be more transparent and secure.
The best example of this is in her choice not to tell Kola what Yemoja shared with her about their relationship limitations. Instead we see her unintentionally sending the poor boy mixed signals. In some moments they are sharing about their life and working closely together on the tasks at hand, and other moments we see Simi close herself off and pull away without any explanation given to Kola.
We are left to conclude that perhaps because of the unique circumstances in combination with how trauma alters both brain and body, that Simi has lost or hidden elements of herself that were open and vulnerable in an effort to protect a heart that has already been deeply broken by the cruelty and pain she has seen and experienced.
by Shell | scribbles and sketches